Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i came on her dog
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
