OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
