There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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