i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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