good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
