My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
