just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
