i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize