i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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