hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
