If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
