Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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