Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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