I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
