phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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