your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
