if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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