chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
