Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All the doctor said was why
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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