Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
