i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
