god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
