it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
