clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
