If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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