oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
