Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
