i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
