apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize