Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
