I have demons in me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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