we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The adults are the big ones right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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