false alarm. still invincible.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
