Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
