the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
