Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
do nipples grow back?
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