When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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