a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
