saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
