hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
