Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize