Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
