I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
