I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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