I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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