We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Still dying that you shit outside
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
