i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Bring me that man meat
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
