tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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