you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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