drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
