I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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