I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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