She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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