you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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