wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
