i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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