Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
