apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
