I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
