And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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