sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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