I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
