Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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