ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
