My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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