Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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