please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
