I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize