I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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