Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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