she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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